Best of Jokes
By Sam Milla*
Somali Pirates Steals World Cup Stadium
Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium in South Africa by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay and out into the Indian Ocean during opening ceremonies.
"Our officers were taken completely by surprise," said South African national police commissioner Bheki Cele, adding that by the time law enforcement officers heard the building's steel girders scraping across the highway's asphalt it was far too late to rescue the 800,000-ton sports facility. "One minute the stadium was hosting Durban's opening festivities, and the next there was only an empty parking lot and the fading sound of 50,000 vuvuzela horns as the structure disappeared over the horizon." The pirates have yet to issue ransom demands, leading to police speculation that they may have already been overwhelmed and shot by combat-hardened, heavily armed soccer fans.
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World Cup Memo
To: My Darling Wife & Sweetheart
From: Yours Forever
Subject: FIFA World Cup 2010
Date: 10 June 2010
Sweetheart, you know that there is nobody like you! My love for you is as solid as Mount Everest. You also know that I love football. World Cup 2010 will start on June 11 and it's very important that I send this memo in advance as notice that things may have to change during this period. FIFA has already endorsed the memo. Please endeavour to read the sports section of all your favourite newspapers so that you are adequately aware of the goings on regarding the World of Soccer. This will enable us have fruitful conversations during the period and prevent any complaints of inadequate attention noting that conversations will be mainly about the "World Cup"
During the World Cup, the TV becomes mine - every time I am at home. Please act as if the African Magic Channels and Desperate House Wives do not exist during this period. Please avoid passing in front of the TV during games, especially when African teams are playing. When matches are on, I may be blind, deaf and mute unless I require a refill of my drink or need something to eat! Please if you see me upset during or after any match DO NOT say "it's only a game" because it is not. It is more than a game! Feel free to sit with me to watch the games but reserve all discussions for half time and only when the advertisements / commercials are on. Please note that action replays are as important as the main thing! Finally please advise your friends and in fact our families NOT to arrange any gatherings that require my attendance as I WILL NOT GO. Thank you my darling for your cooperation and understanding. I know you love me too!!!!!! Your one and only sweetheart. - It is a goal!!!
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Ferrari and Toyota Starlet
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that the zipper of his trousers was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, “Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was open. He zipped it up and finally understood what his secretary had asked him. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, “When you saw the garage door open did you see my Ferrari parked in there?” The secretary smiled for a moment and said, “No, boss I didn’t. All I saw was a little Toyota Starlet with 2 flat tires.
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The Dutch Police
The Netherlands Police, The Netherlands Army, and the Dutch Secret Service are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Prime Minister decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a Rotterdam forest and each of them has to catch it.
The Dutch Secret Service goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The Army goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten Antelope. The Antelope is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit.
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President John Atta Mills
President Atta Mills of Ghana visits Algeria. As part of his programme, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra.
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Opening @ the Zoo
The Breda Zoo has a job opening. Their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. The person was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so Dunga, a Nigerian man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises and tricks.
The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. “Wow! This is great,” he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger.
He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion’s cage that was next door. He panicked.
There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, “Help, help! Get me out of here! I’m not really a gorilla! I am a man in a gorilla suit! My name is Captain Dunga, HELP!”
The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, “Dunga stay quiet, it’s me Maski! You are going to make both of us lose our jobs” Be cheerful and let’s face this job squarely.
*Sam Milla is the nick name of Samson Akpaka, Jokes and humour writer. You can reach him through afrowall@gmail.com
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