Best of Jokes
By Sam Milla*
The Pizza Boy
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a month here?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make 800 euro a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy 800 euro in cash and screams, "Here's a month's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the boy who sells Pizza to us."
Priest and Little Boy
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
One day, a woman asked her son to call her husband to ask him what he wanted her to cook for dinner. After the sixth time the boy complained to his mother that a female voice was what he heard every time he called and the lady would not let him speak to his dad. By the time the man got home that evening, his wife was fuming seriously. She was so angry that she met him at his car and grabbed his shirt right there in the front yard.
"How dare you cheat on me?" she shouted, attracting the neighbours instantly. "How could you? After all we have been through?"
The confused man stared at her - he could not fathom why she was so mad at him. The neighbours tried to calm her down but she refused, and when someone asked for evidence, she recounted the phone call episode and called on Junior to repeat everything the lady on the phone said.
"The number you are calling is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later," Junior said.
Job Vacancies at PDP Nigeria
A foremost Political Party in Nigeria (PDP), popularly referred to as "The Ruling Party", requires for immediate appointment into the House of Representatives, a qualified Hooligan with the following professional qualifications:
- First degree in Boxing or Kick boxing.
- A Professional diploma in aggressive cover-up techniques.
- MUST be a duly certified LIAR with vast experience in corrupt practices.
- Must be ready to shun the voices of the People in allegiance to the Party's wishes.
- Possession of a falsified educational degree will be an added advantage.
Duly qualified candidates should please forward their detailed CV's to the Party Secretariat.
NB: Please note that candidates with deadly upper-cuts will be given preference. The selection process will definitely be biased and open to changes without notice, as this is part of the party policy. Shortlisted athletes will be given a course in 'Political Manipulation' to familiarize them with the language of the tournament.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he is allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass, they bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You have done nothing but complain since you got here."
Birds and Ice Cream
Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None." replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
*Sam Milla is the nick name of Samson Akpaka, Jokes and humour writer. You can reach him through firstname.lastname@example.org